(I just found this unpublished post. For what it's worth, I'll publish it now, two years later. Nothing has changed.)
I keep clicking when I should be sleeping. We are all feeling the same pain and sadness today. I should be sleeping, but I know my son in Israel is heading to a triple funeral. From the moment we heard about their abduction, every living Jew with any sense of connection to our People has had Eyal, Naftali and Gilad (Hashem Yikom Damam) on their minds. We prayed and recited Tehillim, we Facebooked, we had posters in our yards to raise our voices to heaven and to raise awareness among mankind.
I click on Israel National News, Jerusalem Post, Facebook...No matter how many minutes fly by, I'm still searching...For what? What detail is going to suffice? They will be buried together near Modi'in. There was a vigil in Tel Aviv of 100,000. There are more details...but the truth is, I am afraid to go to sleep. As a boy at summer camp said today while kids and counselors tried to deal with the pain, "Their families must feel proud knowing how we all became One while praying for their sons." Profound from a eleven year old. What a refined Neshama!
But how will we stay connected to "Our Boys"? The agony of thinking of their daily suffering is over. An emptiness seeps in. We will never replace you, Our Boys! But my revenge will be to continue to Love living as a Jew, Love living and learning in a vibrant Jewish community, ideally Israel. I will continue to do my best to introduce single Jews to each other and celebrate weddings with great joy. I will try to be of aid to ba'aley t'shuvah and Gerim, as I, too, needed that help 35 years ago. There is no end of what I can attempt to do in memory of Our Boys, ...but it is so hard to go to sleep. Hashem, we ask you to avenge their blood, but we also need your healing. Send all the power of our tears and prayers to help their families and friends heal.
Most of all, let our heightened sense of love and unity we are feeling for each other not falter so we will not need this test again.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Friday, June 6, 2014
Missing My Children?
"Don't you miss them?"
That's the first thing people say after hearing that we have a large family and that our older children live in Israel (I guess the first thing they actually say is 'WOW', but then they ask the aforementioned question).
I'm an emotional, loving person. As a mother, I have always loved being with my children. I never felt a need to get away for a week or two. So how can I express the joy I have when each one of these people finds their inner voice telling them to be in Eretz Yisrael, near their siblings, living each day - each hour of each day- according to the values and goals that nurture their own personal relationship with their Creator? Yes, I feel "hunger pangs" in my heart. It's no more than a gurgle usually. The conversation between me and myself has taken place enough times that it can be reviewed in a millisecond. When I feel something missing, it means that I would feel more complete WITH that thing. When it comes to a person, I can say that feeling did apply regarding my "beshert", my "other half". I felt incomplete without him in my life. I wanted to be in our home, together. When it comes to my children (I use the singular "my" here because I am discussing my feelings. They are most certainly "our" children.) all I have prayed for since their conception is to bring them into this world to live their uniques life, giving this world their unique gift. I hope none of them ever felt pushed out the door. That was never my goal. However, I have reveled in each and every baby step towards independence; the first grasping onto a toy, first verbal demand, first steps. Fast forward; their first "job" earning their own pocket money, their first time traveling alone. Watching them sweat over essays, dealing with social conflicts. All of these were rungs on their ladder towards independence.
And ultimately, the final sign that they have permanently left home; their wedding.
"Oh, you're going to cry at your child's wedding!"
I don't. My husband does, the guests do. Sometimes the bride does. And I understand why. As for me, I am too much in awe. I'm smiling from ear to ear in amazement of what is taking place. The completion of a project that began when the pregnancy test indicated "positive". The birth of my child is complete when they stand under the chuppah and become committed to another person. They become whole.
As my daughter, Eliana, spends the next little while figuring out the wedding date, where they will live, what the color scheme of the wedding will be...I am waiting to be with her and overjoyed as she takes this final step toward becoming herself, my precious daughter!
(PS Two more weddings since this post was written. And this particular kallah's baby will celebrate his first birthday in ten days, "Ad meah v'esrim shanah"!)
That's the first thing people say after hearing that we have a large family and that our older children live in Israel (I guess the first thing they actually say is 'WOW', but then they ask the aforementioned question).
I'm an emotional, loving person. As a mother, I have always loved being with my children. I never felt a need to get away for a week or two. So how can I express the joy I have when each one of these people finds their inner voice telling them to be in Eretz Yisrael, near their siblings, living each day - each hour of each day- according to the values and goals that nurture their own personal relationship with their Creator? Yes, I feel "hunger pangs" in my heart. It's no more than a gurgle usually. The conversation between me and myself has taken place enough times that it can be reviewed in a millisecond. When I feel something missing, it means that I would feel more complete WITH that thing. When it comes to a person, I can say that feeling did apply regarding my "beshert", my "other half". I felt incomplete without him in my life. I wanted to be in our home, together. When it comes to my children (I use the singular "my" here because I am discussing my feelings. They are most certainly "our" children.) all I have prayed for since their conception is to bring them into this world to live their uniques life, giving this world their unique gift. I hope none of them ever felt pushed out the door. That was never my goal. However, I have reveled in each and every baby step towards independence; the first grasping onto a toy, first verbal demand, first steps. Fast forward; their first "job" earning their own pocket money, their first time traveling alone. Watching them sweat over essays, dealing with social conflicts. All of these were rungs on their ladder towards independence.
And ultimately, the final sign that they have permanently left home; their wedding.
"Oh, you're going to cry at your child's wedding!"
I don't. My husband does, the guests do. Sometimes the bride does. And I understand why. As for me, I am too much in awe. I'm smiling from ear to ear in amazement of what is taking place. The completion of a project that began when the pregnancy test indicated "positive". The birth of my child is complete when they stand under the chuppah and become committed to another person. They become whole.
As my daughter, Eliana, spends the next little while figuring out the wedding date, where they will live, what the color scheme of the wedding will be...I am waiting to be with her and overjoyed as she takes this final step toward becoming herself, my precious daughter!
(PS Two more weddings since this post was written. And this particular kallah's baby will celebrate his first birthday in ten days, "Ad meah v'esrim shanah"!)
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Oof Gozal (Fly Away, Little Chick)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP7DgoFcvFI
Spanish translation was the closest thing I could find to English, but the video explains the lyrics.
May, 1981
The green, yellow, pink and blue copies of the ten various form were crossing my eyes as I tried to make sense of the paper work. It was getting overwhelming. I just wanted to return to my homeland, reunite with my People, Torah and destiny. What was with all this paperwork?! I started to cry.
Mommy was sitting on the couch and responded to my frustration.
"I hope you appreciate that Daddy and I are letting you make Aliyah all on your own. We could fill forms out for you, but then when you find yourself in some office they will ask where the blue form is. You'll say, 'I don't know! My Daddy filled out those forms for me'. So you see, we're letting you do everything, because we want you to be as successful as possible."
I wailed, "THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" while simultaneously feeling the love.
May, 2014
The Nefesh B Nefesh website form filled out by a seventeen year old will be accepted as long as the parents sign a permission form. We intend to sign it. Our soon-to-be seventeen year old has decided it's time for him to return to Israel after his Junior year of high school.
He filled out most of the blank spaces, but I typed in quite a few while he was busy packing to return to school in Vancouver. I read his essay, and thought, 'This is how it goes when it goes right. Feeling immense pride, nostalgia, heartache and pressure to get another load in the washer, I sent up a prayer of gratitude and decided I would start a blog this evening.
Is this a reason to blog? I feel very connected to my people ("circles", "friends" or whatever else you are called), my People and all people. There is so much to learn from and celebrate in the most average day that I want to share some of these moments. I'm not offended by anyone who has better things to do, but you'll be able to experience Mimi Philosophy should you choose. Laila Tov/Good night
Spanish translation was the closest thing I could find to English, but the video explains the lyrics.
May, 1981
The green, yellow, pink and blue copies of the ten various form were crossing my eyes as I tried to make sense of the paper work. It was getting overwhelming. I just wanted to return to my homeland, reunite with my People, Torah and destiny. What was with all this paperwork?! I started to cry.
Mommy was sitting on the couch and responded to my frustration.
"I hope you appreciate that Daddy and I are letting you make Aliyah all on your own. We could fill forms out for you, but then when you find yourself in some office they will ask where the blue form is. You'll say, 'I don't know! My Daddy filled out those forms for me'. So you see, we're letting you do everything, because we want you to be as successful as possible."
I wailed, "THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" while simultaneously feeling the love.
May, 2014
The Nefesh B Nefesh website form filled out by a seventeen year old will be accepted as long as the parents sign a permission form. We intend to sign it. Our soon-to-be seventeen year old has decided it's time for him to return to Israel after his Junior year of high school.
He filled out most of the blank spaces, but I typed in quite a few while he was busy packing to return to school in Vancouver. I read his essay, and thought, 'This is how it goes when it goes right. Feeling immense pride, nostalgia, heartache and pressure to get another load in the washer, I sent up a prayer of gratitude and decided I would start a blog this evening.
Is this a reason to blog? I feel very connected to my people ("circles", "friends" or whatever else you are called), my People and all people. There is so much to learn from and celebrate in the most average day that I want to share some of these moments. I'm not offended by anyone who has better things to do, but you'll be able to experience Mimi Philosophy should you choose. Laila Tov/Good night
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